ARRRGHHHH it makes me so mad!!!

Yes, I can't fall back into the groove after burning out a year ago. Yes, I have no vision for my professional future and what I am going to do to make money.
Yes, I am still a very good professional who has own beliefs, ethics, system and good and deep understanding of everything.

And yes, I probably wouldn't mind some help here. How to develop myself, what to do, how to enter the market and be competitive.
But I just HAAAATEEEEE the stupid ideas that I get. Even if these ideas look profitable and can bring me money and popularity. Am I absolutely stupid because I am idealistic and don't want to go against my beliefs? Because I know what is necessary and efficient and what is bullshit? I DON'T WANT to make stupid and shallow content, these stupid and shitty videos and reels about nothing, just for views. It is just against my values. No, I am not a businesswoman! So what?! Maybe I will just remain as unsuccessful and unpopular as I am now.

I am so furious that I feel like I suddenly have an influx of energy enough to make something that is NOT what these "helpers" with "business mindset" offer me. It seems like I can do ANYTHING just to prove them wrong. To prove that I will do what I deem necessary and effective. What really works. What helps people. Not empty promises and delusions.

I won't ever be prosperous, I guess. Not like those insta-bloggers who can sell a marathon on how to breathe, how to take a shower, who make absurd reels to get hateful commentaries and consequently gain popularity.

I just hate it all.

Oh, how fun would it be to meet the younger version of myself who dreamed about immigration, as if it is all rainbows and unicorns. A promise of a better life that piques your curiosity again and again.

Actually, it is better and safer, in many aspects. In a year I'll get a citizenship and will be free to go anywhere I want, which was the ultimate goal.

But whenever I have "adult problems", I just want to scream because of how expensive/uncomfortable/inconvenient/hopeless everything is here. I checked prices for dentistry - they were crazy. Like… how are you supposed to be healthy here? To have kids? To find a good job? To afford a decent home?

Everything was so simple back in Russia that I never really stopped to even think and appreciate it. I don't think I will be back any time soon. 5 years maybe? 10? 15? I have no idea.

No matter what your reasons for leaving the country are, no matter how good your English is, no matter what you were before, no matter how much money you have. Now you become a completely new person, a stranger even for yourself.

And slowly you are losing understanding of the concept "simple life" because it won't ever be simple again. You will forever float between two camps, torn between two cultures, between the cozy and familiar past and the always foggy future, I guess.