ARRRGHHHH it makes me so mad!!!

Yes, I can't fall back into the groove after burning out a year ago. Yes, I have no vision for my professional future and what I am going to do to make money.
Yes, I am still a very good professional who has own beliefs, ethics, system and good and deep understanding of everything.

And yes, I probably wouldn't mind some help here. How to develop myself, what to do, how to enter the market and be competitive.
But I just HAAAATEEEEE the stupid ideas that I get. Even if these ideas look profitable and can bring me money and popularity. Am I absolutely stupid because I am idealistic and don't want to go against my beliefs? Because I know what is necessary and efficient and what is bullshit? I DON'T WANT to make stupid and shallow content, these stupid and shitty videos and reels about nothing, just for views. It is just against my values. No, I am not a businesswoman! So what?! Maybe I will just remain as unsuccessful and unpopular as I am now.

I am so furious that I feel like I suddenly have an influx of energy enough to make something that is NOT what these "helpers" with "business mindset" offer me. It seems like I can do ANYTHING just to prove them wrong. To prove that I will do what I deem necessary and effective. What really works. What helps people. Not empty promises and delusions.

I won't ever be prosperous, I guess. Not like those insta-bloggers who can sell a marathon on how to breathe, how to take a shower, who make absurd reels to get hateful commentaries and consequently gain popularity.

I just hate it all.

Oh, how fun would it be to meet the younger version of myself who dreamed about immigration, as if it is all rainbows and unicorns. A promise of a better life that piques your curiosity again and again.

Actually, it is better and safer, in many aspects. In a year I'll get a citizenship and will be free to go anywhere I want, which was the ultimate goal.

But whenever I have "adult problems", I just want to scream because of how expensive/uncomfortable/inconvenient/hopeless everything is here. I checked prices for dentistry - they were crazy. Like… how are you supposed to be healthy here? To have kids? To find a good job? To afford a decent home?

Everything was so simple back in Russia that I never really stopped to even think and appreciate it. I don't think I will be back any time soon. 5 years maybe? 10? 15? I have no idea.

No matter what your reasons for leaving the country are, no matter how good your English is, no matter what you were before, no matter how much money you have. Now you become a completely new person, a stranger even for yourself.

And slowly you are losing understanding of the concept "simple life" because it won't ever be simple again. You will forever float between two camps, torn between two cultures, between the cozy and familiar past and the always foggy future, I guess.

Games, doomscrolling and almost a year out of work have definitely affected my brain. I just can't concentrate on anything, I just want to play games, eat and sleep, nothing else.

Pathetic, really.

Satisfying, too.

It's been a few years, and I should stop referring to this country as mine, and stop associating myself with that place, stop reading the news about most recent events and so on.

My family is there, and these news articles help me feel not so worried about them.

I hate the government, though, and what they have done to my country. It had such a gigantic potential. It was so good in so many aspects. It was where I grew up. Now there is only eternal prison of hate, families that split because of ideology, and life full of threats for so many people. I feel so much sorrow for what life there could have been.

I hate them so much for what they did to my country and its neighbors. Every time I think about it, I hate them. I will never, ever forgive.

I want to write a book, but I have no idea what it can be about

Anyway, I think I could make a kind of a list of top books in certain categories. In the future, if I find this post, I will be able to compare. Might be useful to somebody as well, idk

All books here are very big and very thick, many are series.

• Young adult fantasy (big series)
Leigh Bardugo "Grishaverse"
Brandon Sanderson "Mistborn"
Carlos Zafon "the Shadow of the Wind" (1 book)
Philip Pullman "His dark materials"

• Serious fantasy (big series)
Brandon Sanderson "the Stormlight archive"
Max Fry "the Labirinths of Ekho" (urban fantasy detective, it is basically Harry Potter for adults)
M. and S. Dyachenko "Metamorphoses"

• Fiction
G.D. Roberts "Shantaram"
Guzel Yakhina "Zuleikha opens her eyes"

• Science-fiction (I am not a fan or expert here, though)
Douglas Adams "The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy"
Frank Herbert "Dune" (series)
David Mitchell "Cloud atlas" (1 novel)

• Detectives, thrillers
Dan Brown "Deception point"
Stieg Larrson "The girl with a dragon tattoo" (3 books)
Steven King "Running man" (novel)
Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie (everything)

• Classical or nearly classical
Ayn Rand "Atlas shrugged"
Senkevich "Quo vadis"
J. Galsworthy "the Forsyte Saga" (a series)
A. Cronin "The stars look down"
Margaret Mitchell "Gone with the wind"
Leo Tolstoy "War and peace"
George Orwell "1984" and "Animal farm"

Not long ago I realized that it is impossible to answer the quesion "What are you favorite books?" because the books you read at the age of 20 might not impress you as much 10, 15, 20 years later. So, basically you can only say something like "Shantaram is one of the best books, and this opinion was based on my reading tastes, outlook and coordinate system in 2015, and I have no idea if I would love it now or not".

Of course, there are exceptions, but overall this rule rings true.

Friendship is being able to tell how fcking terrible you feel and describe all your awful thoughts to a person who disappeared from your life for half a year, but no hard feelings at all. She is the only one to actually understand.

Listening to Nick Cave, because I've suddenly found out he has other cool songs apart from "Oh children" from Harry Potter.

Thinking about how these winter holidays were an endless chain of eating-sleeping-playing computer games, and how I might be entering a new period of my life. It could be a fresh start, although it's cheap symbolism, of course, to think that a new year means anything at all. But what if?

Do I have the strength to start anew? I feel something changing, just slightly, or maybe these changes have already happened and now I start seeing more clearly. I don't know.

But I feel cozy. Calm. That's unexpected.

Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong
You're enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow

How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I'm a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on

You were always sure of yourself
Now I see you've broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leavin'
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You would have no time for grievin'

Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shinin' above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

ABBA, Chiquitita

I guess this is what is called an identity crisis. I don't belong with my country anymore, but I have nobody to connect to in a new country as well. I have no idea how to celebrate Christmas, but I only want to listen to listen to the same new year songs from USSR, just because they remind me of my careless childhood and deliver a sliver of that happiness.

As a child, I didn't have a lot of music, so our new year playlist consistet mostly of ABBA and the Beatles + soviet songs, and it just felt right. Every time I hear these I am brought back to that cozy past where everything was perfect.

I would like to become a new person, but I have no idea how. Now I can only mourn the life I had to leave behind, see how my family is enjoying the new year parties, exchanging presents and singing those songs together.

I am not alone, and I know it. I have a wonderful person next to me. And we both have made this decision. It doesn't make it hurt less though.

Highly recommend, really.

Every time I browse Pinterest in search of images of characters, I think about all those imaginary personalities I could borrow. A white-skinned feminine tiefling with a flute, a squat and wide-shouldered gnome artificer wearing a steampunk armor, a rogue high elf moving stealthily through tree branches… So many stories I could explore.

Make a new reality come true. The best and most beautiful kind of escapism.

I am not sure if it's retrograde Mercury, or simply tricks of my personal universe. A person who keeps appearing in my life and then lying low for a year or so again, turns up again with "can we be friends again?". At the same day as a few years ago.

There were so many stages of acceptance, so many thoughts and a caleidoscope of emotions from hope, joy and exhilaration to sadness. fury and depression. Once I was able to say "no" and close this door forever (or so I thought), thinking I was behaving like an adult finally. Pain and frustration passed long ago, leaving just scars, but making me grow.

I would like to say I don't think about "what if..." anymore, but seeing this message brought a whirlpool of thoughts again. What if? Could I maybe start anew? This time - openly. Without hiding, twisted excuses, being secretive. Asking my husband if he could say "yes" to my resuming communication with a person who nearly destroyed our marriage. This was a stupid thought, albeit I entertained it for some time. He will never accept and never forgive. The wound might be old, but it won't heal. I have to respect that and face the consequences of my choices.

Personally, I would forgive, though. I actually bear no grudges against those girls who I saw as my rivals and who were a constant source of my frustration for a very, very long time. I guess I have grown older. This is probably another moment for me to prove this. No matter how it still aches to keep radio silence for such a long time (I am not fond of blocking people), I can't. I just can't risk it again. Let's accept this is just impossible.

I can't be your friend. I can't let you into my life. Sorry.

Goodbye. This time forever, I guess.

They say "sport and physical activity are good for your mental health". You think "go fck yourself, I don't want to move, I want to lie on my bed watching the ceiling all day, nothing will help me".

Then you go to the gym.

Damn.

It does help. I feel tired, but better, surprisingly. Why is the best advice so difficult though